Things change so quickly. Last week my client got mad at me and fired me for the nth time. He accused me of stealing, but I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to have stolen. He’s fired me before, but this time was different. He’d clearly decided I was a criminal and not to be trusted. I had been thinking he wanted a male but didn’t know how to say so, but I’d hoped to find him a new caregiver and train that person, and leave amicably with peace of mind. I handled it calmly, but I’m sad about it. I’m also worried about him, because he’s methodically pushing everyone in his life away, and it may be that he is using drugs. Meth is a huge problem here, which is new for me. I don’t know the signs. I never think of the elderly as having drug problems, but I’m sure they do.
At any rate, I need to find a new client, and you guys know how softhearted I am. I want to help all of them but I’m trying to be careful and find a good situation for myself. I’ve interviewed a couple of people and they are colorful. And needy. I was really liking one guy but his dog just poops and pees on the floor as a habit. And that would be my job, cleaning up the shit. It was a hundred degrees yesterday and nobody has AC here in Oregon, so the smell was quite overpowering. Clearly he needed help, but I need to think carefully and not make a bad decision, which you may recall has been a problem for me in the past. I’m going to meet another lady today. There is a very long list of potential clients, unfortunately for those needing help, but I can find someone who is a better fit for me. There is a bit of time pressure and I need to get back to work. But I’m not going to commit to a bad situation.
Patreon also deleted my account for fraud, without ever responding to my pleas for information and help. Then they finally opened a ticket, maybe because other people got involved, and told me I was welcome to open a new account. I never got an explanation about why this happened. My account was tiny. I requested an apology, which they provided. If you were my patron before, I invite you to re-subscribe. I write here at DK, and I’m also writing about my childhood and adult traumas in an effort to heal them. Some of that I cannot share and you would not want to read it. But I’m writing a blog for my daughter, with whom I am estranged, and you can follow that here. I also plan to use my Patreon account to report on my progress, such as it is. Actually, I have made a tremendous amount of progress and am experiencing high levels of personal growth, which fucking hurts. Thank you to everyone for supporting me, sending your thoughts, prayers, good wishes, comments, questions and your own personal stories. Y’all truly are the wind beneath my wings.
Last Saturday my new roommate and I went up to Sahalie Falls and spent the day climbing up and down the falls and sometimes just looking at the amazing pools and falls along there, hugging trees, as one does. It was really great to get back in touch with Mother Nature. I expected Her to be pissed at us. But I did not experience Her as angry. Sad. Resigned. Maybe She knows more about the future than I do. You know, I’m trying so hard, and I’m so hard on myself, and I’m trying to change that. It feels wrong to just love myself and not be constantly self-critical. But I want to enjoy the second half of my life. I want more joy and less sorrow (and a lot less cleaning up shit.) I want to reach out boldly, and not get burned. I want to be my authentic self. I want to love, and to accept love. And I want all that for you too. Blessings, y’all.
