After making a mistake with the garage thing, I have secured a safe and lovely place to live. It is in a nice quiet neighborhood with big lawns, north of town. My new landlady read my craigslist ad and felt moved to reach out to me, I think. Her home is beautiful, and clean, and full of art. I’ve been living in substandard housing for so long, I’ve forgotten what that’s like. She has three little dogs smaller than Leonard and six cats, all rescues. (Absolutely no cat smell.) Fenced-in back yard, washer & dryer, backyard meditation fountain...I can’t believe I was willing to make do with that filthy unfinished garage. Thank God I took my friend Blue over there. I wish I had not given the guy $300. I made an impulsive decision that turned out to be wrong. At one time in my life, I would have doubled down on the bad decision just out of ego, then found myself in an even more desperate situation a little bit down the road. I am so glad that I’m wise enough now to say,”Whoa, that was a bad idea. I’m not going to do that, I’ll choose a different path.”
And I still have this self-talk where I always tend to get mad at myself, and it cycles.
Self: That was stupid! What a stupid, stupid decision.
Self: Don’t call yourself stupid!
Self: Don't get mad at yourself, you fucking moron! It’s counterproductive!
Self: QUIT YELLING AT YOURSELF!!!!
And so on. I have wasted so much time. What about all the good things that lie ahead of you? What about all you’ve lost in the past that’s irreplaceable? What’s the point in reveling in those sad memories, or lack of memories where my daughter’s childhood is concerned? Aren’t you ashamed? You should feel guilty for being a bad mother. You failed. I am sorry that I failed. I’m working to change and grow. I have felt guilty for long enough. You could never suffer enough. I have suffered enough. It’s time to live my life. I have suffered. Enough.